I don't feel the need to post every little thing he does anymore, but sometimes he does something that I need to tell, but I don't want to brag to my girl friends.

I was talking to him this afternoon, and he stopped me basically mid-sentence to tell me that i am "so pretty". I was caught off guard, and have never felt that anyone has said that to me in as genuine a way as that was. Like he couldn't wait to say it to me. Then we took a nap together before my class. it was sweet.

Someone may have kissed me last night. I can't remember if it actually happened. I'm surprised it hasn't yet. I was all over him. I was the one who told him to come. I don't know why. We went back to my house but I told him nothing was going to happen, and he couldn't stay. It didn't and he didn't. 

He is roommate's with the boy's good friend and fraternity brother.

If anything gets back to him, if he were to get mad, I don't know what I would do. At the same time, if we are not official, and not even kissing, then I guess I can do what I want. I mean, it's not the thing to do, especially if I want him to trust me. But anything that happened was just a peck, like a friend. The boy knows how I feel about him, but that aspect is completely missing from our relationship, and I'm bound to go looking for it somewhere else. 

I hope he doesn't find out.

I rarely go out and drink anymore because I always feel so shitty the next day. Even if nothing bad happened, I just don't feel good. I feel like I'm in a funk all day. Even if it was fun at the time, looking back, it never seems as fun as that.

I was going to just wear my Chargers jersey for Halloween because I am not the biggest fan of the holiday. Then I saw a pregnant picture of Kendra at the grocery store, so I decided to stuff my jersey tonight to be her. Having a boy, I feel no need to get slutty this Halloween.

I'm going to drink tequila and Squirt all night.

I'm excited.

He got scary drunk Wednesday night and asked me repeatedly if I loved him. He doesn't remember anything. I stayed up until 4:15AM watching him breathe, just to be sure. In the morning, he rolled over and grabbed me, shoving his face right up under my chin. He proceeded to start snoring again, and the answer is yes. I love him. I don't think I can say I am in love with him, not while we're missing the physical aspect still. But I love him. There isn't much I wouldn't do for him.

The next day, I ditched my economics class. I really shouldn't. It's the class I already failed, and still don't understand. But I just couldn't go. 

Last night we went on a date. A real date. I am so happy with the night, I want to put it on repeat for the next few days. He texted me around noon asking if I wanted to do sushi for dinner. I felt gross all day, and my hair hadn't dried as wavy as I would have liked, so I curled it because that was easier than straightening. And I pinned my bangs up. And when I got to his house he said I looked dressed up and beautiful. The dressed up part was unintentional, but the other part wasn't. We had a beer and a bowl, and he danced around and sang for a while. Finally we decided we needed to eat. I realized when we got there that while I love sushi, I have terrible etiquette and eat it with my hands! He rolled his eyes and tried to teach me to use chopsticks and I failed. On the way home, we decided that it was a great wine night. We picked up two bottles (they were so great) and briefly thought about bundling up and drinking it outside on the deck by the creek with a candle. It was cold, but I really wish that we had. Instead we drank and talked and he sang and danced. When we went to sleep we giggled and he held me closer than I think he ever has. This morning, he brought breakfast sandwiches home and, again, there was more singing.

I do love him.

"I told him my friend was there..." I stopped listening after that.

Um. What? Your friend?

I hope he comes to the library with me tomorrow because there is something about that place I just like, and I have always been envious of the couples who are there studying.

I have never been emailed by my teachers as much as I have been this quarter. I guess as classes get harder, my professors feel the need to email reminders every day? It is helpful though, so I'm not complaining. Just noticing.

I was far too high to be on campus this morning. A random girl walked "with" me the whole way there. I felt like I was racing her. (I won.) How I got my homework done is unknown to me, as I tried to start it for 15 minutes with no luck. I have never gone to class like that before, but I have a Furlough in my 2-4 class, and 10-12 is mind numbing, so I decided it was ok. And due to Furlough, I continued and plan to keep it going through the night. Terrible.

I get frustrated when he gives me that look and then won't kiss me. I think it may have been the headache's fault that it didn't happen. Obviously there is always attraction and some sexual tension with us, but last night you could cut the tension with a knife. Between the missing each other, sexual innuendos, wine, amazing massages, and tons of cuddling.. I don't know how we kept our clothes on.

We're going to lunch then I am going to make him help me hang up some posters I have meaning to get up in the kitchen. 2 of The Beatles, drawings they did. They used to hang in my house when I was little so they're pretty sentimental. I'm excited to get them hung up finally. 

Things are just good. I am so nervous about the other girl, but as we grow closer, she is hopefully pushed further out of his mind. After all, we have a pretty intense history.

He is trying so hard to get his pre-college frat life belly back. 6 pack, he claims. I can't even imagine it. I don't want him to succeed and get all hot. I feel like I wouldn't be good enough anymore. He tells me how beautiful I am, and how he has thought that since the day we met, and how he would get all excited and show pictures of me to his friends, but it doesn't make me feel any more secure. He has to say that. Does he still believe it? I couldn't stop myself from checking his computer history, and he looked at her Facebook more than mine. But, he said he had seen wedding pictures, though those weren't on his history, so maybe he deletes some, or it doesn't record every Facebook action, etc. 

I had a dream last night that she called and I had his phone and it was on speaker. And she was telling him how much she loved him. I woke up in a panic, and rolled over to see him next to me. Would he?

I have this unbearable anxiety lately. I can't shake it.

He can't find $100 he thinks he left on the counter. I'm terrified he thinks I took it. Why would I do something that would jeopardize losing him? I would never.

I guess that is where the anxiety is from. So I guess I just have a lot of things making me anxious lately?

Well, I take it back. He kissed me. Twice. He called me around noon while I was still sleeping, and started going on and on about all the errands he had to run, and to be at his house in 15. I ran to get ready and headed over. He wanted me to watch the cat while he is gone. I don't mind, because I didn't plan on drinking anyway. With my roommate gone, I was going to be a recluse for the weekend. Sometimes I just need it. We drove down for him to pick up the van, and he yelled "BABE" across the parking lot. Then we picked up some sandwiches. Again, how nice was it to be in public. To be a real couple just running errands. We went home to eat. He said goodbye to the cat and gave him kisses. Then he grabbed me and said he wanted kisses from me too. I was caught off guard, and pulled away a little. I feel like he only kisses me or calls me cute names when he wants something. Or when I have done something. But from what he said earlier I know he appreciates it, and doing nice things for him is just who I am. I try so hard not to have a wall up, but I can't help it when he won't take that next step with me. I keep wondering what will change it.

Sleeping the entire night alone in his house was weird. I miss him a lot. I couldn't sleep. I sleep there alone while he is at class, but it is weird to not fall asleep with him next to me. I still slept squished on my side, as if he needed room. At least the cat is going to love me much more after this. 

I have no desire to drink anymore. It's fun, but usually doesn't end as well as I would have hoped. And for her, it never ends well. It's sad when you don't even want to go out with your best friend. But it's always something, and I'm sick of it.

We don't kiss anymore. We lay around drinking wine and watching tv. We cuddle endlessly. We sleep together every night. But we don't kiss anymore. We've only had sex once since school started. He calls and texts me a lot more now. He seems to need me a lot more now. Are we just friends who sleep together? I mean, I don't think so. But we don't kiss anymore.

"I roll the window down and then begin to breathe. The darkest country road, and the strong scent of evergreen from the passenger's seat as you are driving me home. Then looking upwards, I strain my eyes and try to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites as you are driving me home. 'Do they collide?' I ask, and you smile. With my feet on the dash, the world doesn't matter. When you feel embarrassed, I'll be your pride. When you need directions, I'll be the guide, for all time."

Suddenly, I feel like a real couple. I guess being out in public makes a difference? We ended up eating our Panda at home, though. Typical. But he let me pick the movie, Usual Suspects, and he actually liked it! A lot! Hopefully he will stop thinking I have terrible taste. Sure, I love a good rom com, and trashy reality tv is my favorite, but I still know quality when I see it.

I'm really going to miss him a lot this weekend. Since when does he actually participate in fraternity happenings?

I am living in the library until I get this econ down. It didn't happen Winter quarter, it better happen this time. Ugh. Back to it, this was just my little break. 

And I love Death Cab's new song. It reminds me of their old, good stuff. Love it. Love. Love.

I have tons of things to do but I can't bring myself to do them. I need to relax. I am crashing. He called to go to dinner. I'm excited! We never go anywhere. In fact, I don't know that we have gone out to eat more than Marie Callendar's once only a few days after our first date. We always order in. Taco Roco. Pizza La Nova. He cooks. Cereal. Splash Cafe. Jack in the Box? His eating habits are disgusting. I just want to lay in bed and watch tv. I hope we get it to go! ....And this is the reason we never go out. Ha. I want to hug him. I feel like he misses me and it's really nice. Because I miss him too. 

It's been quite the eventful week.

The next day, it was pouring rain and I texted him, begging for a ride to school. No answer, so I texted again. I walked in the rain, on the verge of tears. I was crushed. My feelings haven't been hurt like that in a while. I felt so unappreciated. I had to spend the rest of the day soaked and miserable. I think my Uggs are ruined. He said he slept past 12, but I  know him better than that, and his Facebook status updates say otherwise.

I spent the night studying at a friend's, vowing I would ignore his calls. Then I realized that Wednesday's are great days for giving each other rides to class. Thinking it would be raining all day, I called him to see if he wanted to work something out. He said to come over. I don't know what it was, but something was perfect.

I drove him to class at 8AM, then went home to shower. At 9:30, he texted me saying he would be out early. I went to get him, then we came back to my house so I could eat some breakfast. He played my guitar while I ate. It was really nice having him in my house because we are always at his place. It just happens because he lives alone. We can just do our own thing there and not have to worry about anyone else. At 10 he took my car and dropped me off. He came back at 12 and we went back to his house, which is where my car ended up. He asked if I would drive him later but we had class at the same time. We were bummed thinking about how neither of us wanted to walk. I got a call from a friend on my way home, asking for a ride because she missed the bus. We decided that at 2, I would pick her and the Boy up, then she would drop us off and come back at 4, when we would take the car while she went to class, coming back to get her at 6. It is quite complicated, but we give each other rides like this often, and I think it's a cute "us" thing. It's really nice for some reason. On the way back to his house at 4, he mentioned it was about that time, and insisted I come upstairs since I was done with class for the day. 

Later that night, my best girl friend and I got too high and watched tv. We never do that, and it was quite relaxing. Usually I would rather be alone or with him, as I get super moody, but being with her was surprisingly ok.

This is where it gets good:

Even later that night, I was doing dishes when he texted me, saying he was downtown but wanted to go home. I told him I would be there by midnight, to which he asked if I could come sooner. I picked him up and he was silly drunk. I don't see him like that often. He kept telling me how happy he was that I came to get him and how pretty I am. When we got upstairs, I was closing the blinds and locking up, when he asked if I really like him as much as it seems like I do. I replied that I did, somewhat wanting to lie but knowing he would know the truth. Then, he went into a 20 minute spiel about how much he respects me and cares about what I think and what I have to say, more than any other girl he has met, even exes. He said that I am definitely his best girl friend, and one of his best friends in general. He said that he feels that he can do no wrong by me, because I always forgive him. He said that the way I think and act is different than anyone he has ever met, and he loves it. And that I am one of the most attractive girls who he has ever had a shot with. He said that forever, if I ever need anything he is there. He went on to say that if, for some reason, he had to get married right now it would be to me. And if he was some famous musician, he would buy me a fancy car. He was in awe of the things that I do for him. He kept telling me that I was unlike any girl he had met. He said that all the things about me give me a leg up on the "competition", so to speak. I think I have him figured out. I think that we are not together fully because he is scared that if we were, and we broke up, he would lose me. The way he was talking to me was like I changed his life. It was very intense, and I almost wanted to cry. No one has ever said the things that he said to me. 

Then my roommate called and told me I locked her out, so I had to go back and let her in. When I got back, he was basically passed out already. In the morning, he was fast asleep when I went to leave, but I woke him up to say goodbye and he said I would be hearing from him later. I kind of laughed, assuming we would both be out drinking...

But no! While cleaning my room, computer open and music playing, I hear the "pop" of my Facebook chat. He asks what I'm doing, and I say I'm cleaning and thinking about going out. I explain why I kind of don't want to, and he says he's considering staying in. I was surprised because he had been pretty excited to go out, as it's Alumni Week and he is finally 21 so he can go downtown with the older guys. He said he was going to make some calls, but as soon as I said I was staying in for sure, he asked me to come over and kept saying what we were going to eat when I got there, etc. Eventually I asked if that meant he wasn't going out, and he said yes. So I headed over. When I got there, his good friend from home was ranting on the phone about her new school, so I sat there watching tv for a good 10 minutes while they talked. Then he and I made some mac n cheese and watched River Monsters. We laid around but it was nothing special, just the fact that he decided to stay in with me rather than going out.

By the end of the night though, it became clear that we have spent far too much time together this week, and we were getting irritated with each other. This morning, he took a call outside and I heard it was a girl. He kissed me on the cheek when I left, which is a small step in the right direction. Emotionally we are back to, and even better than, where we were. But physically, we don't kiss anymore, rarely when we're drunk.

I feel like when I get with him, I neglect my entire social life. I have friends I used to see all summer, until he came back into town. I would just rather hang with him. When I get with a bunch of girls, it is easy for me to feel left out or uncomfortable. When I'm with him, I don't have to worry about anything. It's just me and him and we can just be ourselves. It's nice and what I have always wanted.

I'm making it a point to go out tonight, though. He is driving me crazy and I need to reconnect with a world outside of him.

Pandora just played "Burn One Down", Bob Marley, and "Last Dance With Mary Jane" in that order. I know it is trying to tell me something.

I am so pathetic lately, I disgust myself. I am far too independent to be relying on one person who may or may not be messing around behind my back and who still cannot commit after dating on and off for 8 months (what? wow). I'm going to bed because I can't wait up for someone who bored me earlier, is drunk, and with whom I will probably do things I will regret in the morning. And I am in the right state of mind. I do it to myself, which is why I can't hate him, as much as I sometimes think that I should. 





Plus, that new hair cut and his inability to shave lately just make me melt. When did he get so attractive?

Going for sushi in an hour! Thank God. I have serious Ursula Roll withdrawals. I could eat one every day and be happy. I go anywhere but Shin's and am disappointed with whatever I order. It's good, but not as good.

He called at 2:15 in the morning, saying he missed me and wanted to cuddle. I told him it was late and I had been sleeping (only for about a half hour) but he kept asking. Then he kept trying to get off the phone, saying it was fine. I asked, and he said he had gone downtown. I hate that he is old enough now. I feel like he is going to find some other girl. Yet, last year when we would go to separate parties, he would never call me late when he got home to come over. He's done that twice now. I feel like this time around he is the needy one. Hopefully he isn't overcompensating for messing around over summer. He generally calls me first now.

I hung up and realized I was wide awake, and I missed him far too much. I texted him that I was on my way. He responded, apologizing for waking me up, saying he shouldn't and that he felt bad. I'm really glad he did. When I got there he was surprised. I told him I would just rather sleep with him. This surprised him as well. We laid down and he basically tackled me. I can't sleep the way he was holding me and had to roll over, which he is never happy about. He held me close and said "You must really like me". I just chuckled. He said that a response would be a good thing but I just laughed again. He knows how much I like him. 

This morning we laid in bed for a long time just holding each other. I miss him already. I hope I see him tonight, but it is bid night so he will probably be out with the boys or something. Boo. 

I understand time apart, but I don't know how I feel about the no contact all day part. 

Somehow, yesterday was amazing.

I worked from 10 until 5, but the time went quickly. I came home excited to smoke and clean and eventually be with my Boy whom I missed terribly. However, a lost black lab foiled my plans. As I pulled into my parking lot, he was standing near my spot. I pulled in and he ran to the door as soon as I opened it, throwing his paws on my lap. I looked around for an owner but he was alone, and a neighbor said he had been around all day. I called the number on the collar, but no one answered. I brought him into my house but quickly realized a big dog and small apartment do not mix. Especially when that dog has muddy muddy feet. I called my roommate who insists I bring it down the block to a yard, because she DOES NOT want fleas. I wanted to smack her for some reason. I head down to the house and call Boy on the way to see if he still had Layla's leash. He didn't, and didn't know what to do, but said he would help if I needed it when he was done with his meeting. Initially, I thought the dog might be the neighbor's of where I was taking him, but that dog ran outside when we walked up. The girls kept saying it was ok to keep it there for a bit, but I could tell they wanted it gone. I hung out for a bit but felt out of place, so I walked home to shower. It's been about an hour, and Boy calls back to see what's up. I told him I needed to either let the dog go or take it to the kennel because I had to get it out of the house and couldn't keep it at mine. We eventually come to the decision to take it to his house and keep it in the garage until the morning, at the latest. If it were my dog, I would want someone to do that for me. We put the dog in the garage and I was hesitant on whether or not I should stay, but he enthusiastically told me to come upstairs. We watched football and ordered pizza. We smoked and I asked too many questions and he laughed and told me how cute I am. Finally the owner calls! I give him the address and he says he can be by in 30. The Boy got very upset because he felt it was sketchy, and doesn't like randoms coming over. Understandable, but I refused to call back because I felt that was even sketchier. He was visibly upset, but I assured him that no one would squeeze past his truck and come up to the house without being totally sure it was the right one. Sure enough, he eventually calls so we head down, grab the dog, and go to the front. He was thankful and we were happy to help. He stopped us when we turned to leave, asking if we liked wine. And boy, do we like wine! Boy says he's a wine&vit major, and the guy reaches in the truck to pull out an unmarked bottle, saying he made it. We thanked him and hurried off. I was pretty hesitant to drink it, but Boy decided we had to, and the rule lately is you can't open a bottle without finishing it. We agree that, hey, we can drink a bottle of wine on a Sunday night when we have class in the AM. So we proceeded to do so, and it was GREAT wine! We watched a movie and eventually I was quite drunk. We laid down and cuddled and I quickly fell asleep. He held me close all night like he used to. I haven't slept that well with him since he's been back.

I just love him and I want it to work so badly. I have never met someone that I can be with like I can with him. I never want to see people this much, I hate people! But I love him. 

Now, my sushi plans have been cancelled and I am starving. I can't decide what I want to eat!