Here come the bullet points again! Each bullet is for a person in my life.
-I hate you. I hate you for coming in and fucking everything up for me. We had so much fun before you, and then you had to force yourself in. You are FUCKING CRAZY. And yet, he loves you. It doesn't upset me because I want him to be in love with me. It upsets me because I'm always second. This week it's almost like a secret. I've only seen him for a few hours at night, after you've sucked up all his fucking time all day. I'm lucky I've been otherwise occupied because I do not want to be around you. I lied. I don't like you. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to help you. In fact, I HATE you, and if I never saw you again that would be okay by me. You come in here and you make him feel like shit all the time, you scream and cry and jump out of moving vehicles, and cut your wrists and show it to him. You're so fucking anorexic that if someone even looks at you the wrong way before a meal you'll refuse to eat, and then it's fucking uncomfortable for all parties involved because what are we supposed to do? You are not a nice person, and you are not smart, and you are not pleasant to look at or to be around, and the worst part is that I have to lie to you all the time and tell you that you are so you don't kill yourself. And it hurts so much because no matter how hard I try, no matter how nice I am or how loyal. He is still in love with you. YOU. The girl who hits him and tells him he's a piece of shit, who makes fun of him to his face and freaks the fuck out when he tries to do one thing without you. Please get out of my life. I want my best friend back, you bitch.
-I'm doing it again. I'm so sorry. But all this time I couldn't even understand why I did it in the first place. You never did anything to me, you never really did anything to warrant any of the treatment you get. But when I'm with our old friends it becomes easier to remember how ridiculous you are. Everything is a drama, and you're always performing. I don't even really know who you are, and I'm pretty sure I never have. Regardless, I've always loved you. I always counted you as one of the most important people in my life, even though I've told you this and I don't think you believe me. I'm sorry for doing exactly what I promised I wouldn't. You think you're an actress in this great tragedy that is your life, and when you realize people are laughing you're hurt. It's just melodrama. It's a farce. Don't you see that? You bring this upon yourself by making everything into an act. You need to learn to let life slid a little. By the same token, we should probably be more respectful and let you be. I think I'll stand up for you next time. That is, if everything we're laughing about isn't perfectly true. And it usually is.
-Stop letting her rule your life, please. I miss you. I want things back to the way they used to be. We could spend hours doing nothing and we would be happy. Remember? Remember before all the drama and the constantly having to deal with her bullshit. I know you'll never kick her to the curb because you still love her, and she fucking takes advantage of it and I wish you could see it. Every time I call you and she's there my heart sinks. Right this very moment you are blowing me off so you can help her figure out college because she's too fucking stupid to do anything without you holding her hand. I'm either going to stick this out or I'm going to leave. I don't really know if it's going to matter to you, and that's what hurts the most.
-I don't know what you're playing at, to be honest. For someone who hated me so vehemently for so long, you've really jumped back on my bandwagon quickly. In fact, it almost feels like everything that happened didn't even happen to you. Somehow you've reverted back to that phase in our friendship where I could do no wrong. It's very, very strange. Don't get me wrong. I'm ecstatic to have you back. I missed being able to laugh with you, and bitch about people with you, and make that face at you. I never realized it but that's what I was always looking for; every time something stupid or ridiculous or unbearable happens I make that face and I look around to see if you're making it back at me. I still did it, without knowing it was your face I was looking for. I'm glad for that. I just don't really I know. I know, believe me I know, that what happened was almost if not entirely my fault. I'm sure I did make you feel stupid, because I kind of think you are stupid. I think you've been trying really, really hard to be smart for me lately and I'm totally eating it up. I'm just confused is all. I don't know what to do with your affection, and once again I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for the day you decide I'm not worth it any more. I think it was when I got comfortable enough to stop watching my step that everything fell apart. Maybe I should just keep an eye on myself always. That's not the kind of thing I want. I guess it doesn't really matter. For now I know that you look forward to seeing me, and you think I'm funny, and you get what I'm saying even when I don't know how to say it. There's a reason we were best friends for a year and a half, and I'm really really really happy to have you back. I really am. You love me. That's all I need.
-What do you want from me? I'm not sure. When we're alone it feels like the beginning of something. You're uncomfortable. You scoot closer to me. Our legs touch. We giggle. I like you. I really do. I always have. Always. My heart races just thinking about you and how I really feel like this might be going somewhere. That is, until I got you in a group again and it just wasn't the same. When she isn't around it's fine; I'm the one you address, I'm the one you pay attention to, you watch for my reactions, you allude to times we were together as if to remind me and everyone else that we do spend time together. I notice these things. But when she's around, all of that moves to her. Not to mention she's much more openly touchy than I am and you reciprocate in full. You wouldn't let me take her home from your house, you insisted on taking her alone. Everyone knows what that means. At first I was hurt but now I'm just confused. I guess I'll just have to wait until this is over and try and get you on your own again. Maybe I'll have to be more forward. That makes me nervous, but dammit. It's been four years since we met and I fell for you. I don't want to chase you anymore. And if this is all just in my head you should probably let me know so I can get over you once and for all.
-Fuck you. Just, fuck you. Fuck you for being at that house when I arrived. Fuck you for surprising me like that. I didn't know you would be there, and when I walked in and you were sitting there I'm pretty sure my heart stopped. I hadn't seen you in months, and there you were. I did a good job of avoiding you until we got in the car, and you had me trapped. I was driving, you were sitting behind me, and you fucking touched me with those hands. Touched my neck, my back, my hair. Told me softly how much you miss me, how I have to believe you, how we have to hang out soon and have fun like old times. What the fuck did you expect me to do?! I know you were hurt when I didn't jump at the idea but jesus christ. Are you aware most of me hates your fucking guts? I don't think you are. You tried all night to act like everything was the way it used to be. You were high and drunk and touching me and I couldn't fucking stand it. I took every opportunity to rub in your face how happy and good I'm doing without you (even though I'm really not; you absolutely fucking destroyed me) and you just smiled and were genuinely happy for me. Fuck you for being a good person. Fuck you for texting me a few days later, the first time you've texted me ever, drunk again. Telling me you miss me. Telling me we have a lot to talk about. Damn right we do. I hope that you don't think that when we see each other again it's going to be happy fun time, because believe you me. I'm going to tell you in every minute detail exactly how you ruined my fucking life. Fuck you for all the memories, all the songs that I hear at work and almost fucking lose it because they make me think of you. And fuck you most of all because when I needed you most, when I felt like I wanted to die more than I ever have in my life, I reached out to you again hoping that you could give me some of the comfort you used to. And all you had for me was self pity. Well fuck you. FUCK. YOU. I hope I have the strength to stand up to you, and hurt you even a fraction as much as you've hurt me and so many other people. I guess what I'm saying is, fuck you for making me love you.
-I will never understand anything about anyone.
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